


That Guy

by Alexicon



Series: The “Andy Needs a Freaking Break” Verse [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 10:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6562921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexicon/pseuds/Alexicon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andy's officially Done with <em>all</em> of this shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Guy

Andy has no excuses. Obviously some shitty version of karma’s out to get him, or his past is catching up to him, or whatever, but something’s definitely up. How else would you explain a Gotham man who suddenly decides to go _bowling_ all on his lonesome and then becomes the victim of whichever big bad is fighting the Bats this week? Andy has the _worst_ luck.

And, of course, this big bad is big and bad enough that the Batman isn’t on his own. Oh, no, he’s accompanied by Robin, Red Robin, and Red Hood, because whoever’s rolling the dice for his life is a terrible roller.

Andy thanks them quietly for saving his life, keeping his head down and hoping he won’t stand out among the other two hostages who’d been taking. Maybe they won’t remember him. Maybe they won’t even notice him.

Yeah, because that’s likely.

Red Hood takes a closer look.

“Hey, shit, Red Robin, check it out! This is that guy!” 

“What guy?” says Batman, obviously feeling the same sense of impending doom that Andy feels.

“ _That_ guy? Really?” Red Robin asks, perking up.

“Yeah, the one who actually signed his name in blood!”

“You made him sign in _blood_?” growls Batman, his voice somehow going even deeper. (Andy winces in sympathy for the guy’s vocal cords. No way is that good for you.)

Red Robin gives a guilty little glance toward his (boyfriend? Are they boyfriends? Can superheroes call each other that?) _partner in crimefighting_ and tries on a sheepish smile. “He was so earnest about it, B.”

“And it’s not like it was his blood,” says Red Hood. He doesn’t go on to say anything comforting about how ‘it wasn’t _human_ blood’ or something, which Andy was really hoping for. (They hadn’t answered, when he asked. He’s afraid to ask again.)

Batman makes a noise like he’s so done with his life right now, which, Andy is right with him there, buying the same souvenir t-shirts and seeing the same terrible landscapes. They are in Doneville, New Donesey, population: Done, Done, and Even More Done.

Andy never expected to feel such a sense of companionship with the _Batman_ , all right, he might be panicking a bit.

The littlest bird makes a noise kind of like the static on a radio and says, “ _Tell_ me you fools at least used the traditional parchment for him to sign. I suppose it’s too much to hope that you filed it correctly as well.”

And then reality falls apart. Or it feels like it does, anyway. Red Robin twitches and covers his mouth with his hands, Red Hood bursts out laughing (raucously, like a giant, red-themed crow), and Batman -- the _motherfucking Batman_ \-- puts his _head in his hands_. Andy feels like his computer must feel every time it does that asshole thing where it decides to stop working suddenly. (He resolves to hit his laptop slightly softer next time, in sympathy. If his head felt like this all the time, he’d panic and shut down too.)

The other ex-hostages are long gone by now, because they have the brains to get away from this -- this _whatever_ this is, this weird-ass situation -- but Andy doesn’t think he could make a break for it like he’s tempted to. He’s bound here for some reason, listening to Batman’s protégés and the Red Hood giggle at each other.

Andy can’t take it anymore. He’s never been good with awkward silences. Maybe he’s the only one who thinks this silence is awkward, but he’s gotta open his mouth or he’s _really_ going to make a break for it, and he doesn’t think that’ll go well with the Bats’ predatory instincts. He turns to Red Hood and Red Robin, because they’re the first ones he thinks of, and asks, “So do you call each other boyfriends, or is it, like, _herofriends_ or something?”

Red Hood answers idly. “Boyfriends is fine, right, Red Robin?”

Red Robin does not look like ‘boyfriends’ is fine. Red Robin is pointing at Batman less-than-discreetly and shaking his head, drawing a finger across his throat with his other hand and mouthing something Andy can’t read.

“Wait, he doesn’t know? _The Great Detective doesn’t know we’re dating_?!” Red Hood exclaims, sounding like he can’t decide between horror and delight at this news.

(Andy has no trouble choosing. He’s stuck on horror.)

“Well, he does _now_ ,” Red Robin hisses back, throwing his hands up.

They all turn to look at Batman, synchronized like this is something they’d practiced.

And the Batman, he is stunned. He is utterly poleaxed. The man’s jaw has actually dropped.

“Ohhhh fuck,” says the Red Hood quietly.

Red Robin looks kind of like he’s about to break something. You know, more than he usually does around guys like Andy. Andy inches away to make sure it’s not _him_ Red Robin decides to break.

“You -- you’re dating?” the Batman says, voice gone up about three octaves by the end of the sentence. “Each other?”

Andy looks around desperately for an escape route. He is so, so sorry for everything he’s done, and especially the stuff in the past two minutes. He tries to make eye contact with Robin. It doesn’t work; the kid’s staring off into the distance like he’s meditating on the meaning of life, or maybe pretending they’re all rabbits who can’t speak and are definitely not speaking right now.

“How’s Batdog?” Andy asked him, as quietly as he can. (The other three are staring at each other still, no sign of a fight. Andy’s glad about that, at least.)

The kid’s teeth grind together a little, but he manages to get out, “Batdog is well, thank you.”

He’s throwing off obvious ‘shut up or I break your face’ vibes, so Andy shuts up.

Batman’s being very awkward about it but he’s obviously trying to be supportive, judging by the hands he has on the Red Hood’s and Red Robin’s shoulders. Andy can’t tell what Red Hood’s face looks like, of course, but judging by the fact that they’re both leaning slightly away and Red Robin’s expression like he’d rather set himself on fire than be a part of this, it’s probably an uncomfortable conversation, to say the least.

Either Batman lets them go or they break his hold subtly, but they step away from him a minute later, Red Robin stumbling a bit and Red Hood flexing his hands into fists, then spreading them again.

Andy would be happy if he never saw another superhero in his life by this point.

“I’m going to go now!” he says, backing away as fast as he can without taking his eyes off of the four.

This was a mistake, as it draws their attention to him like he’d shouted it instead of using a perfectly reasonable volume like normal people do. Red Hood materializes next to him and grabs him by the shoulder, threateningly close to his neck.

“Not yet, you’re not,” Red Hood mutters. “This is your fault, you’re staying until we have to leave.”

 _Great_.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://lexiconallie.tumblr.com)!


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